Faithfullness, Hopefullness and Nervousness...

Hello blogger-world!!!

Okay, it's here. This is the week that the majority of mine and Nick's questions will HOPEFULLY be answered. This Thursday afternoon I'm going in to have a VERY routine procedure that will inform us and the doctors what exactly is being attacked by this "disorder" and it will also allow us to know where the endometriosis has spread.

Almost exactly a year ago, this Thursday, Nick and I were getting ready to go in for our first ultrasound- after finding out of this "so-called" endometriosis. Now you have to understand something, I have been living with some of the most awful periods which all started back when I was 16... I had been to the Dr. COUNTLESS times complaining of these debilitating days that came like clock-work every single month--- and I had NEVER EVER heard of endometriosis... now fast-forward 6 years later... I'm now married, living in a new city and trying to find a girl-doctor here in San Antonio... mostly because my periods have gradually started to get worse and worse... so I find the PERFECT doctor and after the VERY FIRST consultation he basically looked at me and Nick in the eyes and said "You have every symptom, and nothing short of, endometriosis. We need to make an appointment for you to come in and have an ultrasound done." Endometriosis? What the heck is that?! I'm really not sure why Nick and I didn't ask for a more thorough explanation... I guess I was to excited to finally know that the things I was feeling were all caused by something real- something with a name.

Nick and I left that appointment, as unusual as it sounds, excited-- we FINALLY had an answer!!! Now all we had to do was go home and google it and figure out what it was and what we needed to do to "fix it"! Little did we know that evening would end with swollen eyes and empty tear ducts.

As I stated in a previous blog... I love to hear all of the happy endings for couples who suffer from endo... I really do!!! A baby is truly a gift from God... a miracle for any couple struggling or not. And believe me Nick was sure to point out all the success stories that first night of researching... but, I could see in his eyes that he was scared- but at the same time, he was so incredibly strong for me... which is amazing considering we had been married for a little less than 2 months at this point and knowing there is a chance that we may or may not be able to have kids on our own or maybe even at all... he's just been the best through this entire process...

But, I guess what was so difficult for Nick and I on the evening after our first appointment was reading that this is typically something that develops in women while they are in their mid 20's and then progresses from there... the majority of women face no symptoms and typically find out they have endo while being treated for something different... This was NOT the case in my situation. So we started talking it through with each other- if symptoms typically show up after you've had it for a while... and I started showing signs of symptoms when I was 16... and now I'm 22 (23 now)- not to mention the symptoms 6 years ago wouldn't even come close to phasing me today, in comparison to how I feel now-- this can't be good.... this can't be good at all.

I am also fully aware that every single woman is different and no two cases are ever identical. But, like anyone would be, we were still scared- scared out of our minds that our dream of being parents- when we're ready to be parents- may or may not happen naturally.

Don't get me wrong- Nick and I both are fully aware of every single option out there for getting pregnant and I've even been researching adoption- just to familiarize myself in case that because something we have to look into more thoroughly. We know that we are going to be parents no matter what crosses our path on our way down this road called Life.

We of course wanted to get a second (and third) opinion before we moved forward with anything... so we got a second opinion on the Air Force base, and then I saw another Dr. on the base after that-- every single Dr. said that EXACT same thing after looking at past ultrasounds, notes, and their own findings.

I know that while you are reading this blog you can probably tell through my words that I'm nervous and scared-- but I hope that you also know that Nick and I are prepared and strong, as well. We've had a year to soak all of this in- and while the months are growing harder and harder as well as longer and longer--

We are good, Because He is Great!

I feel like I am the most emotional when I write about the trials Nick and I are facing right now. I do know that before I was born- this was the plan. I know that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can or could have done to prevent this from happening to my body, just as I know there is not one thing I can do to fix it- except going through with this procedure Thursday.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, they mean the world to Nick and I! We just ask that you say a little prayer on Thursday that the procedure goes as planned... and also for a little extra strength as I am so very very very nervous, not about the surgery itself, but of the news that we will receive afterwards.

-Thank you again-
Ashley

Hoping for Answers...

Wow! A lot has happened since my last post... where do I begin?!

My good friend Nan and her son, Bryce, were able to come to San Antonio and visit me and Nick- we had a BLAST!!!! We went downtown to the Alamo, all of the fun museums (Ripleys, Madame Tussuad's... and many many more!), we also got to eat at the Rainforest Cafe, and we went to SeaWorld! It was a great week!

Unfortunately our week together started with me becoming extremely sick... the Monday that Nan was coming into town, I ended up calling my doctor and pretty much begged him to see me after I found myself laying on the kitchen floor in the fetal position sweating, getting chills and feeling faint... it was awful. Once I was able to leave the kitchen I only made it as far as our bathroom before I was back on the floor repeating all the symptoms I experienced in the kitchen...

As many of you probably already know, I have been suffering from an advanced stage of endometriosis for a while now... only recently (1.5-2 months) has it gotten almost unbearable. If you aren't familiar with what endometriosis is, I'll explain what it is (via MayoClinic.com) and then tell you what a typical month is for me:

Endometriosis:

Endometriosis is a disorder of the female reproductive system. In endometriosis, the endometrium, which normally lines your uterus, grows in other places as well. Most often, this growth is on your fallopian tubes, ovaries or the tissue lining your pelvis.

When endometrial tissue is located elsewhere in your body, it continues to act as it normally would during a menstrual cycle: It thickens, breaks down and bleeds each month. Because there's nowhere for the blood from this displaced tissue to exit your body, it becomes trapped, and surrounding tissue can become irritated.

Trapped blood may lead to cysts, scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal tissue that binds organs together. This process can cause pelvic pain, especially during your period. Endometriosis also can cause fertility problems.

Symptoms:

Endometriosis can be mild, moderate or severe, and without treatment, it tends to get worse over time. Some women with endometriosis have no signs and symptoms at all, and the disease is discovered only when bits of endometrial tissue (implants) are found outside the uterus during an unrelated operation, such as a tubal ligation. Other women may experience one or more of the following signs and symptoms:

• Painful periods (dysmenorrhea). Pelvic pain and cramping may begin before and extend several days into your period and may include lower back and abdominal pain. Severity of pain isn't necessarily a reliable indicator of the extent of the condition. Some women with mild endometriosis have intense pain, while others with more severe scarring may have little pain or even no pain at all.
• Pelvic pain at other times. You may experience pelvic pain during ovulation, a sharp pain deep in the pelvis during intercourse, or pain during bowel movements or urination.
• Excessive bleeding. You may experience occasional heavy periods (menorrhagia) or bleeding between periods (menometrorrhagia).
• Infertility. Endometriosis is first diagnosed in some women who are seeking treatment for infertility.

** As I'm reading what I wrote below I can't believe I'm posting this on the internet for all to read, I know this could be considered "gross" or "tmi" but to be completely frank, I want you to understand that while many many many women suffer from this disorder, not everyone has the same experiences and reactions. I have heard many success stories about women who had endo and now have 2 or 3 children... that is absolutely amazing and such a gift and in no way am I knocking these women- but 9 times out of 10 the stories I've been told have been about women finding out that they have endo because they were having difficulty becoming pregnant... so not until their dr's started investigating what could be delaying them in getting pregnant did they find out that they actually have endometriosis-- This is NOT my situation... I am someone who is suffering month in and month out from this disorder... Nick and I didn't find out about the endo due to the possibility of me being infertile.. we were not trying to start a family we simpley were at the dr's office because I had hit a wall and could not go on any longer with the monthly pain, sickness, discomfort and lethargy.**

With that being said let me tell you what a typical month for me includes. Each month consists of a period that lasts anywhere from 8-16 days, I have never experienced a "light" period, I may be able to last 45min-1 hour before having to change tampons, I'll go through two boxes every single month, it has recently started to be extremely painful to even wear a tampon, I am unfortunately unable to keep anything in my stomach for the first 48 hours-due to being so nauseated, I am lethargic all the time, I bruise very easily, I have horrible cramps the entire time I'm on my period, both ovaries are consumed by ovarian cysts- some of which grow so large that when they finally rupture I become physically sick from the pain, I am unable to position my body into a comfortable position... it's impossible, my body feels as though it's shutting down all together. In the last month the pain and discomfort has grown to new heights, I no longer have the option of trying to work through the pain- it is completely 100% debilitating.

Endometriosis can also cause extreme constipation... (gross I know) but I had to make another trip to the dr and this past Monday the dr asked me when the last time I "used the restroom" was... I could not remember (I MAY go once a week)... come to find out my endo has now spread to my intestines and colon... not good.

The doctors have had me on this certain birth control for six months... they wanted me to take it consecutively without the placebos for the entire six months... the hope was that my cycles would be nonexsistent, so long as I take the bc religiously. If they could stop my cycle that meant they could stop my pain and horribly long periods. Unfortunately this process did not phase my body one bit... nothing changed not even a little.

I am scheduled to go in on Thursday, August 27th at 12:30 to have a laparoscopic surgery so the doctors can determine what exactly is being affected and know how much the endo has spread.

Nick has been extremely amazing through this entire journey... We had NO idea this was what was in store for us when we said "I do" a little over a year ago.. but we have grown so much together through this experience. Although Nick is not able to attend every single dr's appt because of class or clinic he always makes me a little list of questions he wants to ask the dr... he's so cute!

I'm also so blessed to have such a strong support system via our families and friends... Kendel has been super amazing throughout this entire rollercoaster... ha it helps that she's an R.N.- but it never fails, no matter what gross or embarrassing thing is going on with my body due to this stinking endo she's always there with an answer; or even when I feel as though I'm being defeated she is there to listen and lift me up... Thank you Kendel... we love you so much!

While this has been a road that I've been traveling down since I was 16... it has progressively gotten worse, especially these last few months... but with these hard times has come so much knowledge, growth and acceptance. It's so very easy to say "God only gives you as much as you can handle" but to actually remember those words, to believe those words and to live by those words- it can seem easier said than done when you're the one on the receiving end of that sentence. I am consciously working everyday to be able to remember, believe and live by those words. God is so amazing! I know that there is a reason that Nick and I have been given this specific path to travel down... and so far it has bonded us in ways that haven't been possible in the previous seven years of our relationship :0)

I'm sure your eyes are tired from reading this long post... so I'll end here for today... but I hope that each and every one of you have an absolutely amazing day!

Our God is an Amazing God!

Ashley and Nick